UNEDITED EDITION of Speech to Students by President Obama

(FOXNEWS) In this Fox News exclusive report, reporter Daniel Yarmouth obtained the following unedited version of the speech delivered yesterday by President Obama to many of the nation's schoolchildren. According to unnamed sources within the White House administration, this never-before-seen version of the speech was recovered from a trash bin last week by an unidentified summer intern.

Omitted portions of the speech have been struck through; the rest of the text is as it currently appears on the Whitehouse.gov website.

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The President: Hello young comrades everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at the One World Government UN School in New York Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today.
I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. Don't get all cocky on us now! And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.
I know that feeling. Before I became a citizen of our countryWhen I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the legally born American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.
Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."
So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. And it's important that you not mention this little private convo to your parents when you get home. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year. I also want to show you the best way to unload dangerous guns and bring them to the weapons drop-off station at school.
Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.
I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.
I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox. I've also been wanting to talk to you about why the government is your true parent.
I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve. Those are schools that were probably run by Republicans.
But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, the United Nations,grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.
And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. except for greedy Republicans who are good at nothing but being selfish. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. You also have a responsibility to give away your hard-earned wealth so that everyone shares the wealth equally. But you'll figure that part out later. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.
Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper, or socialist propaganda – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone a shout out to my buddy Steve! That's for your donation, pal! or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice who know the superior wisdom of a wise Latina, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.
And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it. Of course, if you don't want to get a job, I'm here to take care of you, too.
And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. As a wise man once said, work hard - millions on welfare are depending on you. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.
You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment from greedy Republicans who rape the forests and hate fluffy bunnies. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.
We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.
Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.
I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in sometimes I still feel the same way, despite all the pomp and power.
So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.
But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. Along the way, I learned much from such luminaries as Karl Marx and Hugo Chavez. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.
Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. If you vote Democrat when you turn 18, we'll make sure there's plenty of money for everyone. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right , like failing to snitch on your parents when they don't voluntarily surrender their guns. Don't worry - I'll explain more about that in my next speech.
But at the end of the day that's such a cool phrase; I like to use it a lot, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, whether you join my secretive Socialist Kids of America club,what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.
Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you sorry Calvinists, but it's just not true. Here in America, you write your own destiny. in Soviet Russia, destiny writes you! You make your own future the way my administrations tells you to, of course.
That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.
Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Children of "undocumented migrant workers" often don't. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. Not that they actually could have been admitted without a green card or social security number. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez. As a future Latina doctor, she'll be wiser than her white, male colleagues.
I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall. Best of all, we've found it easy to mold his political loyalties.
And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.
Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same. All of these opportunities can be yours, providing you pledge to join my secret club.
That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading my bestselling book, The Audacity of Hope reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot you filthy little beasts!, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.
Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.
I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things. You're talented - but you ain't that good, kids.
But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.
That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was not pleased at the way it portrayed us loyal followers. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." But again, don't get the idea that an athletic career is in your future. That's just an example.
These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying. At least that's what we tell you to bolster your self-esteem.
No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in sort of like my Health Bill may need many drafts before we can make it stick, no thanks to those regressive Republicans who hate children.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day I need a lot of help sometimes when the nicotine is ravaging my brain. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.
And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.
The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.
It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.
So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country? What will that future President say about my progressive administration and superior intelligence?
Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. Republicans don't want you to have those opportunities. Help me stop them. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. That means you'll be required to buy and share school supplies - from each according to his Walmart shopping bag to others according to their need. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.
Thank you, Allah bless you!God bless you, and God bless America.

Phil Spector Confirms Split with GOP

LOS ANGELES (AP) – The music industry and GOP representatives alike are reeling from the recent admission of convicted felon Phil Spector that he is embracing the Democratic party. Until his murder trial, Spector was best known for producing hit albums for music artists such as the Beatles, The Righteous Brothers and The Ramones.

But underneath the studio genius lurked a sinister side. Spector was an avid gun enthusiast, and was convicted of second degree murder for the fatal shooting of Los Angeles actress Lana Clarkson in 2003. He has been scheduled for sentencing on May 29th.

Yesterday, Spector's attorneys confirmed a rumor that he has renounced gun ownership and plans to join the Democratic party. Although he cannot vote or personally own a gun if he wanted to, Spector has vowed to use his influence from prison to warn others of the dangers of firearms in the hands of private citizens.

Reading from a prepared statement, Spector's attorney said the following:

“Mr. Spector has come to realize in recent years that his views are no longer in alignment with the GOP mainstream. In light of these changes in his personal views, and his sincere conviction that guns make people do bad things, Mr. Spector can no longer, in good faith, remain a member of the Republican party. Effective immediately, he pledges his support for President Obama and for a ban on handgun ownership for both eccentric music producers and those who listen to music of any kind.”

According to an anonymous music industry insider, plans are underway to organize a charity event to raise funds for Spector's legal expenses. Featuring a new socially conscious song by rock 'n roll legend Bruce Springsteen, the charity concert will feature the talents of some of his former clients. Spector-Aid is expected to take place late this summer.

Cheney Addresses Scrabble Club, Announces Gun Ban

(AP) Cambridge, MA – Former Vice President Dick Cheney, widely known as a hunting enthusiast, shocked fellow NRA members last night when he announced his support for aggressive gun control under the Obama administration. The sudden reversal of position has taken many Republicans by surprise while reportedly delighting White House officials.

Addressing a Scrabble ™ club at Harvard, Cheney told the small group of students gathered for the impromptu visit that although he has many differences with the policies of the current President, particularly with respect to matters of national security, becoming a six-time grandfather has caused him to rethink a number of his personal views.

“When number six came along – even if he is a bipedal, salivating abomination – I realized that I wanted to make the world safe for him and his lesbian parents,” said Cheney in a rare moment of unguarded emotion. “So while I take exception to President Obama's positions with respect to shutting down [the prison at] Guantanamo [Bay], for example, I now realize that I must do all I can to make our nation into a safe haven for all Americans – straight or gay, legitimate and artificially conceived alike.”

Cheney proceeded to outline to the unresponsive Scrabble ™ club members two initiatives currently under review by White House staff. The first initiative is tentatively named “Get Rid of Unregistered Pistols (and Other Things that Go Bang)”, or GROUP. This bill would introduce more restrictive licensing for selling or possessing guns of any kind. The other bill under review has been called “Hush Up Guns,” and will allow for the complete phasing out of private gun ownership after 5 more years. Once in effect, HUG would also mandate the immediate dissolution of the National Rifle Association.

“Taken as a whole, GROUP-HUG will serve both as a deterrent to violent, senseless crimes and will also serve as a barrier against hunting mishaps of all kinds,” said Cheney.

The students present were largely silent in response to this final comment, except for one enthusiastic attendee who, it was later learned, had been searching the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary to see whether “GROUP-HUG” required hyphenation or was considered a single word.

Obama Vomits on Saudi King

(London Times) – In keeping with a time-honoured but obscure tradition, President Barack Obama greeted Saudi King Abdullah by vomiting upon the King's robe. Puzzled at first by the odd custom, the King soon broke into a smile before slapping the President good-naturedly on the back. The two men proceeded to enjoy a glass of wine as the King's servants ferried his robe away for cleaning.

“At least he didn't embarrass himself by begging the King, like G.W. did,” said an anonymous member of the Presidential entourage, referring to a widely-reported story involving former President George W. Bush's appeal to the Saudi leader for more oil earlier this year.

The tradition of vomiting upon foreign dignitaries, particularly when traveling abroad, has long been observed as a means for American Presidents to break the ice. Most presidents since Andrew Jackson have engaged in the practice, although the mainstream media has been reluctant to report on such events. No one knows exactly how or where the tradition started.

Most Americans will recall President George H. Bush's much-publicized vomiting in the lap of Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa , in 1992. Far fewer are aware that President Abraham Lincoln vomited in the lap of French Emperor Napoleon III while the emperor was making a rare diplomatic trip to the United States in 1862, shortly after the beginning of the Civil War. The two leaders reportedly enjoyed a hearty laugh at the prank and remained fast friends until the President's assassination in 1865.

Obama Announces New Automobile for the Masses

(AP) Washington, DC – Shortly after displacing former GM CEO Rick Wagoner, the White House has announced an ambitious plan to shore up sagging auto sales with the introduction of a new, more affordable hybrid car. Tentatively called, “The People's Wagon,” this much-anticipated vehicle holds out promise for affordable transportation.

The People's Wagon (PW) will feature practical styling, with a single body style for all models. Available in camouflage green or camouflage taupe, the car will be efficient and practical for all workers. It can burn several types of biofuel, and will also run on battery for distances of up to 25 miles, the maximum daily commute permitted under the new “CO(2) Footprint Reduction Act”.

The PW is expected to retail for exactly $7,995 and will be available nationwide by the 2nd quarter of 2010. To simplify production, the car will come with standard options. Owners of other types of passenger automobiles will be given a grace period of 6 months to recycle their existing cars before they must purchase the PW.

“I am pleased to announce the introduction of a new automobile – truly change we can all believe in,” announced a smiling President Obama in last night's TV address.

“Not only does this provide an affordable mode of transportation for all Americans, but it also marks an affirmation of equality for all of us as well. Every household will be required to purchase one of these remarkable cars, although assistance will be provided in the form of vouchers for those without the financial resources. You will only be required to pay according to your means so that transportation needs are met for the many.”

According to an inside source who spoke under conditions of anonymity, the People's Wagon is only the beginning of changes the White House administration has planned. With the upcoming acquisition of both the peanut and pistachio industries, nuts will soon be rationed out according to household need.

Government officials are reportedly likewise monitoring the corn, wheat, beef and dairy industries for a possible takeover in the event of any irregularities that would justify new management.

Obama Preemptively Awarded 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

(AP) Washington, DC – In an unprecedented break from tradition, President Barack Obama is expected to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger at a future date. A consortium of scientists and political analysts have determined that President Obama's future policies will ensure a sustainable worldwide crop yield that is impervious to any known pests, eco-friendly and will be sufficient to feed at least 9 billion people across the globe by the year 2040.

“We are pleased to announce that by the time President Obama enters the second year of his second term in office, he will have almost certainly enacted legislation necessary to solve the world's food shortage crisis,” future Vice President Al Franken is expected to say in May 2011, at a yet-to-be announced White House press conference. “I only wish my predecessor could have been here to see this day.” The future Vice President will not elaborate upon the unfortunate 2010 hay baler incident involving former Vice President Joe Biden, which rendered him unfit to complete his term.

Awarded since the early years of the 20th century, the Nobel Peace Prize is given to those who have advanced the cause of peace in the word. Many noteworthy individuals have been nominated to receive the award over the years, some of whom did not make the cut (such as Mahatma Gandhi), despite their humanitarian work spanning large portions of their lives. Past laureates include Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Jimmy Carter and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. What did all of these individuals have in common that differentiates them from the current President?

“They were all old,” said former President Carter with a chuckle, during a recent phone interview. “We'd all been around the block more than once, if you follow me. And while the laureates have indeed accomplished great things through hard work and perseverance, none of us truly had the character – the impeccable character and messianic wisdom – of Barack. We know he's going to surpass all prior achievements because of the tremendous enthusiasm his candidacy has generated.”

While it has become commonplace for roads and even elementary schools to change their names in honor of the current President, never before has such an honor been preemptively bestowed upon a US President. Not surprisingly, the Peace Prize Committee has come under heavy criticism from a small cadre of right-wing, non-progressives who argue that awarding a preemptive Nobel Peace Prize is unwarranted.

“Nobody is arguing that he won't be successful in reprogramming former Al-Qaeda members through group hugs,” roared an agitated Rush Limbaugh during a live broadcast of his talk show. “We'll certainly see a massive reduction in suicide attacks as a combined result of his therapy and, of course, my radio show. All red-blooded Americans also know that global warming will reverse course by 2013 due to his mandate to increase fuel efficiency in motor vehicles. But femi-Nazi liberals have gone too far this time. Where's Rush's Nobel Peace Prize is what Americans want to know!”

Despite this vocal minority of critics, President Obama is expected to receive the prestigious award on the traditional December 10th date in Oslo, Norway. The award will be presented by the President's long-time friend and confidant (and future Vice President, after the 2010 hay baler incident), Al Franken.

Says Franken, “And why shouldn't the President become a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate? He's good enough, he's smart enough, and – gosh darnit – people like him!”

Devil Dates?

I recently received one of the most bizarre email spams I've ever seen: not for Viagra, not for prescription pills from "reputable" pharmacies abroad, not even from poor widows in Nigeria. This one came from Satan himself, or so the email addy would suggest (satan@devildates.com). Not to be left out by the wholesome likes of eHarmony, now there's a dating service for Satanists seeking romance.

It's somewhat ironic that adherents of a religion that glorifies the self, and celebrates self-indulgence, would give rise to a site promoting the pairing up of such self-absorbed people. But here it is, seemingly real.

Christian Pre-Fab Sermon Spam: Jumpstart

I'd never buy anything from a spammer as a matter of principle. If your business is so shady that you have to resort to trickery in order to slip it by the spam filters of my email provider, why on earth would I want to buy whatever product you have to offer?

So when I got an unsolicited email from an outfit called Jumpstart Ministry Resources, I did a double take. I am sure I've never visited this website before, as I have no interest in purchasing ready-made sermon outlines, and I certainly didn't ask to be added to their "mailing list," despite the disingenuous unsubscribe link provided at the bottom of the email. Not only do I find their mass spamming distasteful, but I am appalled to think that any minister would actually purchase their sermons and PowerPoint presentations (conveniently available in either KJV or NIV to satisfy nearly any translation taste).

So consider this an open letter, Pastor Ken Roark Jr of Circleville, Ohio as well as your crack "staff of well-educated ministers": Not only is your spamming behavior unethical, but by offering a shortcut to biblical exegesis through pre-fab Powerpoint sermons, you are undermining the ministry of all those who purchase and use your products. Your attempts to circumvent the minister's divine call to study God's Word are crass beyond measure.

Any minister who is too busy to prepare his own sermons needs to either re-prioritize his schedule or get out of the pulpit.

Breatharian Chef Outraged by Requests for Cooked Food

(A parody of an actual news story involving a Muslim chef who refused to prepare pork in a restaurant.)

A San Diego chef has publicly accused his employer, Lotus Tree Bar & Grill, of violating his contract by requiring him to cook using food ingredients. Chef Larry Nordstrom, known to his fellow Breatharian believers as Jus'athinreed, maintains that the Lotus Tree broke their employment agreement by requiring him to prepare fruit, vegetable and meat dishes in direct violation of his religious beliefs.

"I told them when I started here that I would prepare any dish they wanted, as long as I didn't have to use edible ingredients," said the gaunt, irritated man. "Even handling lettuce to make salad is against my religious beliefs. This is simply egregious."

Breatharians believe that human beings can derive all of the nutrients they need through the act of breathing. While some Breatharians do enjoy the occasional Big Mac and Coke, others are stricter in their observance, and never eat or drink. Adherents claim that up to 6,000 people are followers of the movement, although religious scholars note a markedly increased rate of early death among hardcore followers.

Bob Fournier, restaurant manager, disagreed with Nordstrom's / Jus'athinreed's grievance, pointing out that the name of the restaurant includes the phrase "bar and grill."

"I told Larry that we absolutely respect his religious beliefs, and that as long as he wasn't too feeble to come in to work, we would be happy to accommodate him," said Fournier. "But he must understand that other folks cannot sustain a diet as strict as Larry's. Handling food is part of a chef's job. Our customers expect that they will be able to enjoy food and drinks as a central part of their dining experience. I have suggested that he wear latex gloves to avoid touching food, but he refuses."

Despite their contractual misunderstandings, Nordstrom / Jus'athinreed and the restaurant are trying to work out their differences without resorting to litigation. Nordstrom/ Jus'athinreed has been reassigned to dishwashing, and is permitted to take regular breaks due to his increasingly frequent fainting spells.

"I need the work, so I'm not going to leave" said Nordstrom/ Jus'athinreed, pausing to catch his breath. "But I wish they'd just give me a chance to cook some of my specialties. I make a mean air casserole, and my oxygen flambé has always been a tremendous hit among my fellow remaining Breatharians."

The Pragmatism of President Obama

A new President has been sworn into office on a day that is sure to remembered as a truly historic event in our nation's history. I did not vote for President Obama, but owing to my regard for that high office, I recognize my obligation to respect the man who now occupies it. Unlike certain scoffers of recent years who spoke ill of our former President, I believe that all Americans owe our new President due respect - regardless of what we might believe about his politics.

That doesn't mean we can't criticize his policies. What it does mean is that we should not be sporting bumper stickers that mock Obama as a person (a sad trend toward incivility that's become commonplace in recent years.)

While reading through the text of his inauguration speech, there were many good things to note. But there were some troubling, even contradictory, assertions that are weaved throughout it. To his credit, President Obama demonstrated a profound appreciation for the Constitution and the contributions of our Founding Fathers generally. Yet one has to wonder how we can claim to uphold that Constitution when making assertions like this one:

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.

The unanswered question here would be: which "stale political arguments" does he have in mind, exactly? If he simply means pointless partisan quarreling, then that's all well and good. The next sentence suggests he has something larger in view, however. The question about "whether our government is too big or too small" is not a partisan issue. It's an important question in light of his aforementioned commitment to upholding the vision of the Founding Fathers.

What I see in these comments (and in several other places in the speech) is an unbridled spirit of pragmatism that overrides his oft-professed allegiance to our country's charter. In essence, President Obama is paying lip service to the sacrifices of those who have gone before us, while saying that his greatest concern is finding a strategy that works. Pragmatism over ideals. On one level, that sounds entirely reasonable to the postmodern ear.

The question in my mind, however, is what if we make choices in the interest of pragmatism but find that the new mantra leads us away from the principles that made our nation great? What if pragmatism ends up taking us down a road that destroys our freedoms rather than secures them for future generations? Have we not seen a glimpse of this trend in the prior administration with the introduction of the Patriot Act - a law that potentially undermines our freedoms without the need for any due process of law? How much ground are we willing to sacrifice in the name of what works right now?

In his own words, President Obama asserts that our Founding Fathers "drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man." What I would like to know is whether the other details of that charter remain binding upon his conscience, or is an unwavering allegiance to the details part of those "stale political arguments"?

"Connection Cards"

A friend of mine recently informed me that rather than passing out bulletins, his church was now using "connection cards." A quick Google confirms that this phrase seems to be another new trend among hip evangelical churches. I guess I'm really missing out on being part of the next cool thing since I stepped out of mainstream evangelicalism.

First Sunday morning worship was replaced by "Celebration Services" or "Sunday morning gatherings," and now they're passing out connection cards to attendees. There's no way I could pass these out with a straight face- "No, ma'am this isn't a bulletin. It's a Connection Card (TM)."

Let's see: we got rid of wooden pulpits (too authoritative and somber-looking for today's pomo-conscious marketing trendsetters), then we got rid of the acrylic pulpits (which were supposed to denote transparency), and replaced them with stools. What with our new designer, gender-neutral Bibles and all, we'll really be bringing in the right demographic for Jesus now!

I used to laugh at the way people in my old company would all rush to read the latest business books, and then watch the fun as they all dutifully found ways to incorporate the latest business-speak into their talks at meetings. Without fail, some executive would drop a new buzzword on the group, and his underlings would rush to parrot the same term immediately afterward. Nobody ever explained why it was so important to know these terms; it was just understood that you needed to keep up if you wanted to "get ahead." In the business world, this obsession with relevance (and kissing up) is understandable. In the church, the Body of Christ, it borders on blasphemy. The Scriptures, not the passing whims of culture (which we're always behind, anyway) set the standard for relevance.

Pardon me while I puke up my church coffee... uh, I mean, enjoy a Resurgence of Extreme Latte!

Smile to Protect Your Privacy

Here's a tip for those who resent living in a surveillance society: smile. A recent article from a new channel in Indiana reports that drivers are no longer permitted to smile when their license photos are being taken. Why is that, you might ask?

"The new rules imposed last month were deemed necessary so that facial recognition software can spot fraudulent license applications, said BMV spokesman Dennis Rosebrough."

Smiling just might be your best defense against being misidentified as a criminal as you go about your daily business.

Skillet: Bad Theology Set to Hard-Rocking Music is Still Bad Theology

A friend of mine sent a link to a music video for the song "Rebirthing", by the popular CCM band Skillet. The first stanza of the lyrics goes like this:

I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for you till
My throat is numb
I wanna break out
I need a way out
I don't believe that it’s gotta be this way
The worst is
The waiting
In this womb I'm suffocating

From the title of the song, as well as the lyrics, it's apparent that this song is talking about regeneration, also known as being "born again." The song represents the sinner as "screaming" for God, seeking deliverance from the sinful state in which we find ourselves. But is this really an apt metaphor to describe the condition of the spiritually unregenerate? Does the sinner "scream" for God, and long to be released from our sinful state? Are unregenerate people just waiting for the Gospel to come along so they can choose Christ? What do the Scriptures teach us about our natural state?

If we look to the famous passage from which we get the phrase, "born again," we find Jesus telling Nicodemus that he must be born again - not in the literal, physical sense - but by the agency of the Holy Spirit, whose movements are as imperceptible to human beings as is the wind. Jesus tells him that not only can a man not enter (v. 5) the Kingdom of God apart from this new birth, but he cannot even see (v. 3) the Kingdom apart from this supernatural work. There is nothing the unregenerate man can do to move himself closer to this Kingdom.

This truth regarding the new birth becomes an important theme in the rest of the New Testament, and is especially evident in passages such as Ephesians 2:1-7, where we learn that we formerly "were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind" and were "dead in our trespasses." In his epistle to the Romans, Paul talks about those who are "in the flesh" (namely, the unregenerate), urging: "For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God." (Romans 8:7). Paul isn't talking here about Christians who are having a bad day, but he's addressing the spiritual condition of those who have not been born again (see v. 9).

So what do these passages have to do with "Rebirthing"? Simply this: The hypothetical sinner described in this song as longing for the new birth doesn't exist. He can't exist. In our sinful condition, we want nothing to do with God and his Kingdom! Unless God grants new life to our souls we will never seek him. At best we will create and bow down before a God of our own making. As Martin Luther famously said, our hearts are like little idol factories manufacturing the kind of God we'd like to fashion. In our natural state, we hate the true God and suppress the truth we can observe about him in the world he has made.

Skillet errs in depicting the sinner as the one who goes seeking after God. In reality, it is God who comes seeking after us. Or, as my favorite verse in all of Scripture says, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). Even when I was raising my puny fists in defiance of a Holy God, dead to him in every way, he graciously imparted new life to me and gave me the faith I needed to believe in his Son.

Stopping Kiddie Porn: Good Intentions, Bad Ideas

Once again, the shrill cries have been raised against child porn. "Won't somebody think of the children!?" When it comes to kids, rationality is the first thing to go out the window. So now people in high places want to enlist the help of ISPs in tracking suspected kiddie porn across the internet.

I can think of several problems here; first and foremost is the violation of people's right to privacy. There's also the potential that misidentified files of an innocuous nature (the software's only as accurate as its human designers) would result in innocent people having their reputations ruined by false allegations.

"But it was just an MP3 of Barry Manilow, I swear!"
"Our hash records say it was something a little more hardcore than Mandy. You're going to jail!"

Then there's the fact that determined kiddie porn connoisseurs are going to simply find creative ways around the blocks (I can already think of a few possible ways it might be circumvented), which means that everyday people are going to suffer the consequences of this ill-advised policy while those who want illicit materials are going to find other means of distribution. Oh, and we have the added benefit of sinking $35 million in taxpayer money into the deal.

In any case, we end up once more with expanded government oversight and only catch the stupidest criminals in the process. Nice work, Andrew.